Essay:

Mr. Womack
English III Honors, Period 1
17 January 2007
Social Promotion
        “Social promotion” is the practice of allowing an elementary school student to advance on to the next grade level, even if the student has not completely mastered all the curriculum of the previous grade.  A debate of whether social promotion should be practiced rages amongst those involved with elementary schools.  Social promotion should be practiced in many cases, as it helps to ensure that a child’s elementary school career is experienced with adequate friends, a healthy self esteem, and the best education possible.
        A huge part of child development, and therefore elementary school, is learning how to make and keep positive friendships.  When an elementary school student is held back, they do not see their friends who have advanced on to the next grade during the school day, because the grade levels are generally kept separate.  This, in turn, forces the retained student to make a whole new set of friends, which is most often very difficult for elementary school aged children to accomplish, as most have not yet been able to develop and refine the skills needed to forge positive friendships with their peers.  The lacking of adequate friends creates even more hardship in the already difficult world of a retained elementary school student.
        It is devastating for a student to watch as all of his or her friends move on to the next grade level, while he or she is left behind to cope with a new set of difficulties on their own.  The self esteems of elementary school students are fragile, and being retained a grade level hurts them greatly.  A low self esteem so early in life often leads to problems, such as lack of academic motivation, later on in childhood as well as adulthood. Therefore, having a healthy self esteem in elementary school, which may only be possible in many cases with the help of social promotion, gives insurance that a student will be successful later on in more advanced schooling.
        Retaining a student, if he or she has not mastered all the concepts of that grade, is not the only way to ensure the student will learn the material.  There are many other options which allow students to master the concepts that need extra attention.  Some of these options are summer school, tutoring during either the school year or summer, and making the student’s future teachers aware of his or her difficulties so that the teacher knows to make sure that the student does not fall behind. Also, students who are held back are less likely to graduate from high school than those who are socially promoted.
        For elementary students who have not quite mastered the skills of a certain grade level, social promotion is the best course of action to help them master the elementary cirriculem, keep positive freindships, and obtain a healthy self esteem.  The social, physical, and personal molding that takes place during the elementary school years of a child’s life is critical in building the genuinely good, responsible adult that he or she will hopefully grow to become.  It is important to not sabatoge this molding by retaining elementary school children instead of socially promoting them.  The practice of social promotion is the best way to aid elementary school students who have fallen behind academically in catching up with their peers.

Essay:

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Mr. Womack
English III Honors, Period 1
17 January 2007
Social Promotion
        “Social promotion” is the practice of allowing an elementary school student to advance on to the next grade level, even if the student has not completely mastered all the curriculum of the previous grade.  A debate of whether social promotion should be practiced rages amongst those involved with elementary schools.  Social promotion should be practiced in many cases, as it helps to ensure that a child’s elementary school career is experienced with adequate friends, a healthy self esteem of the student, and the best education possible.

While this introduction does not have a strong hook, it is an effective paragraph.  It introduces the topic and states the author’s position.

        A huge part of child development, and therefore elementary school, is learning how to make and keep positive friendships.  When an elementary school student is held back, they do not see their friends who have advanced on to the next grade during the school day, because the grade levels are generally kept separate.  This, in turn, forces the retained student to make a whole new set of friends, which is most often very difficult for elementary school aged children to accomplish, as most have not yet been able to develop and refine the skills needed to forge positive friendships with their peers.  The lacking of adequate friends creates even more hardship in the already difficult world of a retained elementary school student. Is this propaganda?  Is it effective?
        It is devastating for a student to watch as all of his or her friends move on to the next grade level, while he or she is left behind to cope with a new set of difficulties on their own.  The self esteems of elementary school students are fragile, and being retained a grade level hurts them greatly.  A low self esteem so early in life often leads to problems, such as lack of academic motivation, later on in childhood as well as adulthood. Therefore, having a healthy self esteem in elementary school, which may only be possible in many cases with the help of social promotion, gives insurance that a student will be successful later on in more advanced schooling.

I like this topic, but I am not convinced by it.  I want to see examples or evidence to prove the point. Again, the fact that the author used many cases instead of all cases makes the argument easier to swallow.
        Retaining a student, if he or she has not mastered all the concepts of that grade, is not the only way to ensure the student will learn the material.  There are many other options which allow students to master the concepts that need extra attention.  Some of these options are summer school, tutoring during either the school year or summer,  This is a red herring.  While the author is correct that there are other option to retaining a child, the topic is social promotion. and making the student’s future teachers aware of his or her difficulties so that the teacher knows to make sure that the student does not fall behind. This is not a red herring and should be expanded.  Also, students who are held back are less likely to graduate from high school than those who are socially promoted. This is a new point.  If the author knows this, then the author needs to state the source.  I am not fond of this paragraph as it contains choppy, irrelevant, and unsupported ideas. 

        For elementary students who have not quite mastered the skills of a certain grade level, social promotion is the best course of action to help them master the elementary cirriculem, keep positive freindships, and obtain a healthy self esteem.  The social, physical, The writing did not talk about physical building. and personal molding that takes place during the elementary school years of a child’s life is critical in building the genuinely good, responsible adult that he or she will hopefully grow to become.  It is important to not sabatoge this molding by retaining elementary school children instead of socially promoting them.  Contrary to the earlier use of “most,” this seems like an absolute statement for all.  The practice of social promotion is the best way to aid elementary school students who have fallen behind academically in catching up with their peers.

The computer gave this writing a 6 out of 6.  While I agree that consistently addresses the point, I do not think that it is consistently effective.  I am more inclined to give it a 4 with possible leanings towards a higher grade.

Writing 2: Prompt: Occasionally, students in elementary school are advanced to the next grade even though they have not successfully completed the lower grade. Advocates of "social promotion" think that keeping a child in a grade for longer than a year hurts the child's development and self-esteem. Write an essay stating your opinion on this issue, making sure to support your opinion with convincing reasons.

Essay:

        Social Promotion in Elementary schools is not the best choice because it affects the student greatly. Advancing a child a grade up after the child fails a couple of subjects will hurt the child socially. If a student does not fully understand the basic fundamentals of a subject, then he or she could be affected later on in life. If the student does not know the material, then it holds back the rest of the class. Social Promotion hurts a student academically, socially, and also hurts the other students in the class.
        Placing a student in a class that they are not ready for can be very stressful for the student. The material might be too difficult for them to grasp which can frustrate the student; therefore he or she would quit trying all together. This will end up hurting the student socially because then the class might call the student names like “stupid” or “retarded”. It is really hard to help a student when they give up just because their fellow classmates were making fun of them. Advancing a student to the next grade could hurt them socially during there elementary school years and even later in life.
        Elementary School is where kids learn the fundamental basics of subjects. If a student advances to the next grade without fully grasping and understanding the concepts, then it could affect them later on. For example, in Middle School a student has to know how to do the basics before grasping the concept of pre-algebra. In a subject as important as math, students need to understand the concepts because each level of math has concepts in it from previous math level. Therefore, if a student does not fully grasp the basic fundamentals of all subjects then the years to come in school will be challenging for the student.
        It only takes one student to distract or interrupt a full classroom of students trying to learn the lesson being taught. If a student was moved up to the next grade, having failed a subject, they could hold up the rest of the class. Meaning each time they do not understand a concept fully the teacher would have to stop teaching the rest of the class and focus on helping the student. The rest of class then looses valuable time in which could have been spent learning something new and exciting. Having to wait on a student is not fair to the class because some students already understand the material. If the student did get held back then they could relearn the material and learn at the same pace as that class.
        Social Promotion should not be allowed in Elementary schools. It hurts students socially because they would feel like they don’t fit in. Also being able to learn the materials is very important and if you advance a student when they are not ready, then it will hurt them academically later on in life. If they don’t understand the material then it might mess up their future. It also takes away from the learning of the rest of the class. Holding a student back instead of social promotion is better for the student and the other students in the class.   

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Textual commentary by the reviewer.

        Social Promotion in Elementary schools is not the best choice because it affects the student greatly. Advancing a child a grade up after the child fails a couple of subjects will hurt the child socially. If a student does not fully understand the basic fundamentals of a subject, then he or she could be affected later on in life. If the student does not know the material, then it holds back the rest of the class. Social Promotion hurts a student academically, socially, and also hurts the other students in the class.  These sentences could be combined into more concise thought and complex sentence.  While this paragraph does introduce the topic and state the author’s position, it does little to grab the reader’s attention.
        Placing a student in a class that they are not ready for can be very stressful for the student. The material might be too difficult for them to grasp which can frustrate the student; therefore he or she would quit trying all together. This will end up hurting the student socially because then the class might call the student names like “stupid” or “retarded”. It is really hard to help a student when they give up Helping a student is an additional point and demands a second paragraph. There is better verb choice than “give up” just because their fellow classmates were making fun of them. Advancing a student to the next grade could hurt them socially during there elementary school years and even later in life. The writer does a good job of reminding the reader of the point.
        Elementary School is where kids learn the fundamental basics of subjects. If a student advances to the next grade without fully grasping and understanding the concepts, then it could affect them later on. For example, in Middle School a student has to know how to do the basics before grasping the concept of pre-algebra. Middle school should not be capitalized.  The prompt does not address middle school, the prompt addresses elementary school; therefore, this example is a red herring. In a subject as important as math, students need to understand the concepts because each level of math has concepts in it from previous math level. Therefore, if a student does not fully grasp the basic fundamentals of all subjects then the years to come in school will be challenging for the student.

This is a very good point, but needs to be further developed.
        It only takes one student to distract or interrupt a full classroom of students trying to learn the lesson being taught. If a student was moved up to the next grade, having failed a subject, they could hold up the rest of the class. Meaning each time they do not understand a concept fully the teacher would have to stop teaching the rest of the class and focus on helping the student. The rest of class then looses valuable time in which could have been spent learning something new and exciting. Having to wait on a student is not fair to the class because some students already understand the material. If the student did get held back then they could relearn the material and learn at the same pace as that class. This argument presents a false dilemma. There are other options between hindering the class and helping the student.  The author should address some of those other options to make this a viable argument.
        Social Promotion should not be allowed in Elementary schools. It hurts students socially because they would feel like they don’t fit in. Also being able to learn the materials is very important and if you advance a student when they are not ready, then it will hurt them academically later on in life. If they don’t understand the material then it might mess up their future. It also takes away from the learning of the rest of the class. Holding a student back instead of social promotion is better for the student and the other students in the class.   This last paragraph is choppy and does not leave with a powerful concluding thought.

The computer gave this writing a 5.  I am more inclined to give it a 3 or a 4.

Writing 3: Prompt: In an effort to save money, your local school board is considering eliminating elective subjects such as art, band, and auto mechanics. What is your position on this issue? Write a letter to the school board stating your position and supporting it with convincing reasons. Be sure to explain your reasons in detail.

Essay:

        Mr. Sam Simpson was hired to work at a local sign shop.  His boss asked him to paint an exquisite sign advertising their company.  Mr. Simpson was not able to complete his task, because he never had the correct training to do so.  Because of his lack of creativity, Mr. Simpson did not even know how to begin. This predicament cost Mr. Simpson his job. If school boards take out electives such as art, music, and auto mechanics, similar situations will occur repeatedly in our society. The world around us thrives off of creativity. The loss of these electives will not only hurt individuals, but it will also have a negative effect on the society as a whole. Eliminating arts, music, and auto mechanics will damage the futures of students, decrease students creative skills, and deduct the promotion of self esteem towards students.
        To begin, the elimination of arts, music, and auto mechanics in schools is not fair. Some students have futures in these subjects.  Taking away these electives could cause our world to miss out on beneficial opportunities.  The generations to come might consist of the next Mozart, Picasso, or Aretha Franklin. It would not be just to take away the chances to succeed in those areas.          
        In addition, every single day music is played, cars are used, and creativity is expressed. Eliminating these electives would hurt our society abundantly.  If music, pictures, cars, or bands did not exist in the world, it would be remarkably boring. Creativity is constantly swarming around the world every single day.  Students need to be taught how to express their creative abilities, whether it be through dancing, acting, painting, drawing, or even putting trinkets and things together.
        Lastly, having art, music, and auto mechanics in schools is beneficial towards students. Electives can promote self esteem greatly.  Electives give students a chance to excel in something besides academic courses.  Electives give students the opportunity to dismiss themselves from their textbooks and try something new.   It would only be cruel to take away something that brings other people joy and encouragement. Take painting, for example. Painting is a stress relieving activity.  When I complete a piece or art  I have been working on, it brings me an abundant amount of satisfaction. Abolishing these electives could have a negative effect on certain kids who find joy in participating in these electives.  
        High school is a time where students are constantly pressured about their future.  Without electives, students may not receive the correct training for the pathway to their career.  Mr. Sam Simpson was never given the chance to pursue an elective. Losing his job was the devastating product for Mr. Simpson.  Students need to be given the chance to broaden their horizons by entering various electives.  Eliminating these electives could possibly hinder an individual’s future and opportunity to succeed, damage self worth, and lower standards for creativity.

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Textual commentary by the reviewer.

Mr. Sam Simpson was hired to work at a local sign shop.  His boss asked him to paint an
exquisite sign advertising their company.  Mr. Simpson was not able to complete his task, because he never had the correct training to do so.  Because of his lack of creativity, Mr. Simpson did not even know how to begin. This predicament cost Mr. Simpson his job. These sentences should be combined to make more complex sentences and concise thoughts.  The story, while interesting, leaves me wondering more about Mr. Simpson.  What was Mr. Simpson’s job?  Why was he asked to paint the sign if he was not creative?  It might be more believable if you said that Mr. Simpson was asked to give a presentation and it lacked creativity. An author does not want a reader’s mind to wander too far from the topic.    If school boards take out electives such as art, music, and auto mechanics, similar situations will occur repeatedly in our society.  A transition is needed between this section and the section before it. The world around us thrives off of creativity. Who is us? How? Explaining more of the creative endeavors of the world will help the argument.  The loss of these electives will not only hurt individuals, but it will also have a negative effect on the society as a whole. Eliminating arts, music, and auto mechanics will damage the futures of students, decrease students creative skills, and deduct Consider using a different word. the promotion of self esteem towards students.
        To begin, the elimination of arts, music, and auto mechanics in schools is not fair. Some students have futures in these subjects.  Taking away these electives could cause our world to miss out on beneficial opportunities.  The generations to come might consist of the next Mozart, Picasso, or Aretha Franklin. It would not be just to take away the chances to succeed in those areas.  

These ideas need to be expanded.  As they are written, they are choppy.  Giving examples would help the reader to see the benefits of the ideas.        
        In addition, every single day music is played, cars are used, and creativity is expressed. Eliminating these electives would hurt our society abundantly.  If music, pictures, cars, or bands did not exist in the world, it would be remarkably boring. Creativity is constantly swarming around the world every single day.  Students need to be taught how to express their creative abilities, whether it be through dancing, acting, painting, drawing, or even putting trinkets and things together.

Again, these ideas need to be expanded.  As they are written, they are choppy.  Giving examples would help the reader to see the benefits of the ideas.  This is also a bit of a fallacy called slippery slope or snowball effect.  The writer is implying that if these programs are cut then the world will not have cars, music, bands, or pictures.  That is a bit of an extreme.
        Lastly, having art, music, and auto mechanics in schools is beneficial towards students. Electives can promote self esteem greatly.  Electives give students a chance to excel in something besides academic courses.  Electives give students the opportunity to dismiss themselves from their textbooks and try something new.   It would only be cruel to take away something that brings other people joy and encouragement. Take painting, for example. Painting is a stress relieving activity.  When I complete a piece or art  I have been working on, it brings me an abundant amount of satisfaction. Explain how school helps to promote this satisfaction. Abolishing these electives could have a negative effect on certain kids who find joy in participating in these electives.  
        High school is a time where students are constantly pressured about their future.  Without electives, students may not receive the correct training for the pathway to their career.  Mr. Sam Simpson was never given the chance to pursue an elective. Losing his job was the devastating product for Mr. Simpson.  Students need to be given the chance to broaden their horizons by entering various electives.  Eliminating these electives could possibly hinder an individual’s future and opportunity to succeed, damage self worth, and lower standards for creativity. The author did a good job of connecting to the intro. 

The computer gave this writing a 4.  I think that is a fair if not generous assessment.  While the author’s ideas are good, the development of the ideas is lacking.

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Textual commentary by the reviewer.

Essay:

I was once watching a movie in a movie theater when I received a phone call from my mom; my grandfather was admitted into the Intensive Care Unit with partial heart failure. I said a few incoherent words to my friends and went immediately to the parking lot and waited only a few minutes when my mom drove up to pick me up. Consider a different verb choice than “drove up.”  Arrived would work better. I am frequently reminded that without my cell phone I would not have been able to see my grandfather in the last hours of his life.

This paragraph grabs the reader’s attention with a concise yet interesting story. 

Cell phones are a lifeline of communication that keeps users connected to those they love. The issue needs to be introduced here.  The city council is considering a proposal that would ban the use of cell phones in privately owned businesses such as restaurants, movie theaters, and retail stores. The notion of taking them away would be like taking away an essential part of everyday life, and would be more destructive than constructive to society. Cell phones should be used for their intended design: communication away from home when you have no access to a landline.

In the case of an emergency, cell phones are used to instantly alert others of a problem, and they have saved many lives. Such an important tool is a valuable addition to any person’s first-aid kit, purse, or pocket. This is a small object with huge potential to aid and protect. Taking cell phones away would be closing the door to saving lives, and opening the door to otherwise preventable death and injuries nation-wide.

This is a valid point but needs to be expanded.  Most readers will recognize that the prompt says that cell phones may not be “used” in public places.  It does not say that cell phones may not be “carried.”  This weakens the argument.  If the author were to say that many individuals would cease to carry a cell phone when it could not be used might strengthen the argument.  Further, the author should note that others who have an emergence (a sick family member) would not be able to contact the individual in an emergency.

Cell phones were intended to be used away from home, to be the line of communication when people traveled.  If there was no need for them, they would not have been invented. Every invention has a purpose, and the purpose of a cell phone is being able to communicate with anyone, from almost anywhere, for every sort of circumstance.

This is a valid point, but it needs to be expanded.  It is a weak argument.

Each business will have a view on appropriate conduct. One person may feel that cell phones are disruptive, rude, and insulting. Someone in the same company may see things from a completely different perspective. A decision should not be made frivolously, because a few think it is rude.  Burping is considered rude, but is our council going to fine people who belch in public? This is appropriate use of a rhetorical question.  I don’t think so. The answer is unnecessary.  Of course it is natural for people to want to enjoy relaxing atmospheres when possible, but sometimes such an oasis is not sensible if the price is the loss of such an invaluable tool.

By far, this is the best and most valid point made.

Since cell phones are so prevalent in today’s society, a law such as described above would be near impossible to enforce without fining the more than one hundred ninety-six million cell phone users in the United States each day. Two-point-two billion people world wide use cell phones. If cell phones were not practical, useful tools, so many people would not have them.

Again, this is a good point, but the idea needs to be expanded.

Understanding the facts of how beneficial cell phones are to our culture, such as in response to emergencies, and as everyday conveniences would bring about a logical conclusion that they should not be taken away. Prohibiting the use of cell phones in publicly owned businesses and facilities defeats the purpose of their use. As a society, we should retain our legal right for safety, and free speech, both of which are practical uses of the cell phone. We need to strive towards preventing disasters, not causing them.

The computer gave this writing a 5.  While it does a great job of consistently addressing the topic, the arguments need to be expanded.  I am inclined to give it a 4.